got to watch one of those short stories which Star One is airing late nights these days.. yesterday's story was about this schoolgoing kid and his God.. there was something about the picturization which got my sleepyhead kicking! but that's not exactly what I'm here to talk about..
it got me thinking about this very personal relationship we share with our Gods.. yes, I believe we all have different perceptions of God.. the idea is that of a personalised God.. mebbe I'm a believer in the theory that God is present within each one of us.. it's our soul.. our conscience..
the best part about it was, it transcended me to those schooldays when I used to go to the school chapel n pray to God, very diligently, for saving me from Sr. Rosy's canings.. pray hard to save me from the humiliations at the hand of that rude History teacher.. pray so that the English teacher wont ask me questions about the life of Gandhi, which I might not be able to answer.. pray that the questionpaper for those test papers should be the ones, the answers of which I know.. pray that the misunderstanding between me and my bench-mate regarding some scuffle be cleared soon.. pray that Anjitha's troublesome neighbour shouldn't bother her Father anymore.. pray that I dont miss the bus to School in the morning.. pray that he takes care of my Amumma(grand-mom) living alone in Chennai .. many a things which might sound verrrry verrrry silly to think of right now.. but then, my life hung on all those small things..
The staunch convent school where I went to, we were told that copying the answers during a test paper, is the biggest sin of all.. n that the omnipresent God was watching from up above.. I knew my God was there with me, everywhere.. but the idea of God which was put into my li'l head then, was that of an unforgiving, punishing God.. but someone whom I can approach anytime with my supplication..
Once I did copy a tough math sum during one of those class tests at school.. (my neighbour had the text book opened in front of her.. n it was too much of a provocation to resist.. 'coz I had already made up my mind to score 10/10 for maths, n this sum was the only block!).. so, i copied it and was sure that I would be getting full marks for the test.. but there was this something, pricking me deep within.. guess what I found when I got my answer paper evaluated, I had done a silly calculation error which costed me dear.. infact, I had lost whatever marks I had gained by copying!!
My adult brain did understand that the 1st time copying act (btw, it was referred to as 'stealing' at school) must've really got me too tensed that I couldn't concentrate enough on the calculation at hand, and ended up doing it wrong!
but still there was this pseudo belief that if I am to do a sin, then I'll be made to pay for it too!
n I so totally believed in it all through even my Engg College days, that it held me back from copying during my University Exams.. it was afterall a biiig sin...
There were many daily activities which used to keep me tied to my God.. drawing a cross, whenever i walk past that image of Mother Mary in that corner of the school play ground, getting lilies for her.. wondering why sometimes life is unfair to some people.. whether truth and honesty are virtues anymore.. attending those moral science classes.. the stories we were told about believers... they were not exactly lessons on Do's and Don'ts.. rather we were exposed to a certain way of life which we happily followed..
n when I grew up, my idea of God changed.. he became more forgiving, a li'l more lenient, and quite many of the so-called sins were now chalta he types.. somewhere I got this idea that I shouldn't be bothering God for all these silly things.. I realised that God doesnt give us all that we ask for.. n somewhere along the way, my prayers became different.. it became more like: "God, you know what's the right thing.. if it's right, let it be so.. else, be it as you wish.."
n later on, i started believing the fact dat God keeps working on me.. n he knows wots right for me.. somewhere along the way my dialoges with my God (technically they may be monologues, though I prefer to see it as dialogues), kind of diminished to a quick prayer of rosary or a hastened Hail Mary when my mind is very troubled..
you know, i still remember very vividly the 1st miracle of my childhood days.. one day I lost my wooden ruler (this one was very special to me) at school and I was praying to God that he bring it back to me somehow.. n guess what, Amumma comes to pick me up from school in the evening, and asks me how did I manage without my ruler, and that I had left it near her bed and went to school that morning!! all this while, Im so sure I had taken it to school that morning and even used it!
now I dont bother my God for a missing ruler anymore, but I still do experience the miracles he works on me! in his own special ways.. sometimes I feel I'm so thankless to stop by and thank him for those innumerable blessings.. 'coz these days we believe that all our success is a result of our decisions and hardwork and foresight or wotever..
but the short story that I witnessed yesterday, helped me reach out to that humble girl within me, who believes that her omnipresent God is still watching over her.. with the guardian angels around her..
oh, it's such a comforting feel to think of God, and believe that he takes care of us all the way.. but wonder why we take all the stress in the world upon ourselves, when all we need is to stop by for a moment and say a silent prayer to God ..
reminds me of the prayer song at school..
"Guardian Angel From Heaven So Bright
Watching beside me to lead me aright
Fold thy wings round me O guard me with love
Softly sing songs to me Of heav'n above
Beautiful angel My guardian so mild
Tenderly guide me For I am thy Child"
this was a post-lunch prayer before the afternoon session started at school.. n somehow when I type it down this afternoon, I still can experience the calmness and serenity that the words bring with them..
it's soo re-assuring and I feel soo safe.. "Tenderly guide me for I am thy child"
God Bless you!